DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize