ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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