Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
