somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
