I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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