whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
