I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
