I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
