I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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