My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
