____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
