I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
