Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
