Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize