I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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