I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
