You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
