Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
