why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
