my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
