Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
