Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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