Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
