I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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