I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
