How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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