I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
