saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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