so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
