After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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