Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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