I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
