I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
