Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
