It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
