i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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