She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
In America we eat man semen.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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