Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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