What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
