I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
