I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
