I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
