i think my tv is drunk
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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