I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
