I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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