What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
