um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
