a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize