Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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