ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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