Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
