we have officially mastered the walk of shame
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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