Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize