Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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