We won't sleep together?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize