Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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