Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
