hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
