you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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