I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
