Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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