Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize