Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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