He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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